News Rodeo! Climate Change! Afghanistanians! Health Care! A Random Sarah Palin Joke for Good Measure!

Laughing on the outside and, probably laughing on the inside, too.

It is time once again for News Rodeo!  And, man oh man, is there some news this week.  It has occurred to me lately that this might be the only venue that some people actually hear about major events that happen in our world.  I take this responsibility very lightly and I hope that anyone that reads this takes this seriously.  For example:  Yes, Sarah Palin is Satan with breasts.  This is a fact and you can use this information at dinner parties.  Impress your friends! On to the news!  Tuesday, President Obama gave a speech, outlining an escalation in troops over in Afghanistan.  Do we, the American people, need more troops over in Afghanistan?  No.  Of course not.  We don’t need troops anywhere.  Do the Afghanistanians need more troops?  Probably not.  So why are we sending more troops?  Because, if we don’t, then a plane will fly into everyone’s house, even if a plane isn’t in the air, it will come down anyway and crush you.  Joking!  But seriously, what about Vice President Joe “I have a Billion Teeth” Biden?  What does he think, Huffington Post-it-notes?

White House officials adamantly deny that the vice president was used as some sort of political pawn in the Afghan debate. Indeed, it is understood that within the administration, Biden had been arguing against a military ramp-up, essentially alone, since last spring –before other lower-level officials felt more at ease expressing their reservations. “The vice president believes it is his job to give the president the best and most candid advice he can — and to give it privately,” said Jay Carney, Biden’s spokesman. In the end, the advice failed to move the president’s hand on the key issue of troop strength. But it may have been enough to secure important strategic victories. At the very least, it showed that the vice president is comfortable staking out a dissenting position inside the administration and pulling people to his side — even if means losing out in the end.

"It is Cyclical! This is the natural pattern of nature! Keep Running!"

That’s right!  When the Vice President thinks that “V” should be renewed, the President takes that shit into consideration, son!  And then the President is all like, nah, V sucks.  And then Joe Biden goes into a room and cries, whispering, Just like Firefly…Just like Firefly.  Not to worry, we have good news around this piece.  The President has decided to go to Copenhagen for the Climate Summit thingy.  We are killing the Earth?  Global Warming?  Hello? But will it make a difference?  And is the bill in Congress a job’s bill or a save the planet-bill?  What do you think, Sanitation-Nation?

Overall, the public opinion data on climate point to a deeper problem with the way the capping of carbon has been sold, both by Democratic lawmakers and progressive activists–that is, as a bill that seems to have nothing to do with catastrophic climate change. “Make no mistake: this is a jobs bill,” President Obama said about the House-passed version of cap and trade (the name of which–American Clean Energy and Security Act–manages to avoid mentioning climate). That bill’s co-sponsor, Ed Markey, echoed the claim, saying, “This is a jobs bill. It will create millions of new clean energy jobs in whole new industries with incentives to drive competition in the energy marketplace.” Others have taken the same tack: an SEIU ad in favor of cap and trade, for example, says that “America must end our economic crisis and dependence on foreign oil.” How? “A clean energy jobs bill.”

Never trust a guy who insists on you calling him, "Dick".

It’ll be sort of hard to go to work when we’re all dead from starvation or drought or disease caused by lack of arable land.  But, hey, let’s move on to something more fun.  Like Health Care!  Dick Morris thinks that States will have to flip the bill for it!  My God!  Taxes!  You mean we’ll have to pay so people can go to the doctor instead of taking an aspirin, wrapping themselves in a sweater and hoping for the best?  That is Crazy talk! Explain this to me, NewsMaxipad!

The Obama healthcare initiative will be the biggest unfunded federal mandate on the states in history. It will force dozens of states, particularly in the South, to abandon their low-tax ways and to move toward dramatically higher rates of taxation. It might even force Florida and Texas to impose an income tax! In the Senate version of the bill, states must expand their Medicaid eligibility to cover everyone with an income that is 133 percent of the poverty level. The House bill brings it up to 150 percent. But many states have kept their state taxes low precisely by so limiting eligibility for Medicaid that it essentially is only for seniors needing long-term care and not for poor younger people who require acute care.

Yeah, young people!  You don’t need health care!  Young people don’t get cancer or infections or broken bones are get cancer caused by infections in broken bones.  And, hey, Sales tax?  I mean, what’s up with that?  This is America, everyone!  Let’s not forget that shit!  This is America!  If you don’t have it, you get another job and you work for it!  And, once you get it, you realize that you were a victim of a sophisticated marketing strategy and you throw that crap in the closet.  And if you can’t afford health care, then crawl into a ball and go ahead and die.  One less person that gets in the way of my Climate killing SUV.  Did you see that?  I created a satire using three different political talking points!  Go, me.  Go, me.  Go, me.  Put your hands up. It’s your Birthday.  Not for real, though. Just for play-play.

The Three Competing Thoughts Concerning Sarah Palin


And on bright, sunny days in Alaska, she takes time to think about the real implications of Climate Change. If it is true, then, the bears, the bears, the bears. Where will they be? So she can shoot them? This depresses her. Not being able to shoot bears and use them as decorations depresses her in ways she never dreamed possible.

I want to clear something up.  I don’t hate Sarah Palin. I don’t hate anyone.  There are, however, people that I don’t particularly enjoy being around.  There are people that, if they call me, I ignore and there are people that exist in the public arena known as “politics” that I believe are just plain and simply a waste of biological material. Hang on.  Let me try and tie this into a lesson plan that I’m giving my students.  I am having them work on Classification essays and, you know what, let’s classify this whole situation.  There are three different types of people when it comes to Sarah Palin.  That’s right.  I’m classifying.  What do you do with your free time?  Play video games?  Yeah, I do that too.  The three types are as followed.


I Think She’s Great! These people actually like her, thinks she is good for the political party she represents and feels that, if she were elected President, it wouldn’t be all that bad.  I mean, if a black guy can do it, surely she can.  Oops?  Was that racist?  It just slips out.  The people who think this read four books every decade.  And the new Sarah Palin book? It will be one of those four books.

I Think She’s Stupid! These people actually don’t like her, thinks she is bad for the political party she represents and feels that, if she were elected President, it would crack the fabric of space/time causing all the evils of the past and the not-yet future to converge upon us and consume our flesh like starved maggot-hornet hybrids.  And that is their thinking of the situation if asked to be optimistic.  These people also only read four books every decade.  But, they read tons of newspapers, blogs and literary magazines to make up the difference.  And, yes, Sarah Palin’s new book will be one of those four books.

Who’s Sarah Palin? The people who think that ask, Who’s Sarah Palin, rhetorically.  They know who Sarah Palin is.  They just don’t particularly care who she is.  When they see her on magazines, they stop and look.  Cause, you know, she’s hot.  But when she says whole sentences, when she tries to explain anything, when she attempts to make a connection, it bounces off like marshmallows bounce off a chest if those marshmallows are thrown by Sarah Palin’s young children.  She’s not dangerous.  She’s just loud.  She’s not good for a political party.  She’s just annoying.  She’s not a viable candidate for President.  She’s a viable candidate for some sort of happy-juice detox program.  She’s this yippy, opinionated monster who thinks that talking about guns, oil and eating meat is the basis for a conversation.  These people read way too many books in college, read about a book every few months now, watch television to zone out, drink a beer when the time permits and happily fall asleep at night with the understanding that Sarah Palin and all people like Sarah Palin are welcome distractions for a large chuck of Americans who are either unemployed, underpaid or two bad days at work away from putting a bullet into their brain matter.

I fit into the third category.  Sarah Palin concerns me as much as That silly show Glee, Amazon Headshrinkers and water under the Luna Surface.  Yep.  She doesn’t concern me that much at all.