Weekend Reads

“If one of those babies were poor, I don’t suspect you’d want to punish her because her dad got laid off from his manufacturing job or because leukemia killed her older brother and bankrupted her parents just in time for her birth.” -Rob Delany Continue reading

How the Apple Tablet will Screw over Poor People

For the mildly rich and super-elitist only.

So, apparently, the amazing and most important company that was ever created by human beings is releasing the often rumored and much desired Apple Tablet!  It is the Apple Tablet!  It is made by Apple and, uh, it is a Tablet! I mean, think of it like the iPhone, but, you know, bigger and more 3Ging and, I don’t know, it floats and it will diagnose and cure strange STDs, I guess.  I mean, what do you want from me?

I don’t care about the Apple Tablet, or the Nook, or the Kindle.  Why, you ask?  Why don’t I, Jarvis Slacks, the guy who buys USB drives based on looks rather than function, the guy who bought $100 dollar earbuds because they “Felt better”, the guy who will walk two miles just to buy Mass Effect 2, why don’t I care about the cool and futuristic  ability to read my favorite novels, magazines and newspapers on a tablet like device just like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation?  Why don’t I care about the future?

Because this part of the future is stupid.  And we are hurting the majority of the world, not helping them.  And I’ll explain exactly why that is after this short commercial break.

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The Three Competing Thoughts Concerning Sarah Palin


And on bright, sunny days in Alaska, she takes time to think about the real implications of Climate Change. If it is true, then, the bears, the bears, the bears. Where will they be? So she can shoot them? This depresses her. Not being able to shoot bears and use them as decorations depresses her in ways she never dreamed possible.

I want to clear something up.  I don’t hate Sarah Palin. I don’t hate anyone.  There are, however, people that I don’t particularly enjoy being around.  There are people that, if they call me, I ignore and there are people that exist in the public arena known as “politics” that I believe are just plain and simply a waste of biological material. Hang on.  Let me try and tie this into a lesson plan that I’m giving my students.  I am having them work on Classification essays and, you know what, let’s classify this whole situation.  There are three different types of people when it comes to Sarah Palin.  That’s right.  I’m classifying.  What do you do with your free time?  Play video games?  Yeah, I do that too.  The three types are as followed.


I Think She’s Great! These people actually like her, thinks she is good for the political party she represents and feels that, if she were elected President, it wouldn’t be all that bad.  I mean, if a black guy can do it, surely she can.  Oops?  Was that racist?  It just slips out.  The people who think this read four books every decade.  And the new Sarah Palin book? It will be one of those four books.

I Think She’s Stupid! These people actually don’t like her, thinks she is bad for the political party she represents and feels that, if she were elected President, it would crack the fabric of space/time causing all the evils of the past and the not-yet future to converge upon us and consume our flesh like starved maggot-hornet hybrids.  And that is their thinking of the situation if asked to be optimistic.  These people also only read four books every decade.  But, they read tons of newspapers, blogs and literary magazines to make up the difference.  And, yes, Sarah Palin’s new book will be one of those four books.

Who’s Sarah Palin? The people who think that ask, Who’s Sarah Palin, rhetorically.  They know who Sarah Palin is.  They just don’t particularly care who she is.  When they see her on magazines, they stop and look.  Cause, you know, she’s hot.  But when she says whole sentences, when she tries to explain anything, when she attempts to make a connection, it bounces off like marshmallows bounce off a chest if those marshmallows are thrown by Sarah Palin’s young children.  She’s not dangerous.  She’s just loud.  She’s not good for a political party.  She’s just annoying.  She’s not a viable candidate for President.  She’s a viable candidate for some sort of happy-juice detox program.  She’s this yippy, opinionated monster who thinks that talking about guns, oil and eating meat is the basis for a conversation.  These people read way too many books in college, read about a book every few months now, watch television to zone out, drink a beer when the time permits and happily fall asleep at night with the understanding that Sarah Palin and all people like Sarah Palin are welcome distractions for a large chuck of Americans who are either unemployed, underpaid or two bad days at work away from putting a bullet into their brain matter.

I fit into the third category.  Sarah Palin concerns me as much as That silly show Glee, Amazon Headshrinkers and water under the Luna Surface.  Yep.  She doesn’t concern me that much at all.



The Obama Effect: Thinking about it.


Think about it. As long as you want.

Think about it.  You wanted to get the craziest, most powerful job in the world.  You wanted it because you thought you could help people.  You wanted it because other people thought you would do a good job of it.  But, part of you wanted the job because you really wanted it, because it might be the best thing you could ever do and you have to try if it is within reach, right?  I mean, if you had the chance to be the President of the United States, wouldn’t you take it?  And, hey, wow, you get it!  You get the most powerful, the most respected, the most amazing job in the entire world! And the world loves you and the people you voted in love you and you are the first black President of the United States!  Yes!


And then there is the work.

Think about it.  You get the job and the guy before you that had the job made a few bad decisions and now there are wars all over the world.  One of the wars are slowly ending.  The other war is right in front of you.  You have two options.  Send in more troops or don’t.  If you send in more troops, some of them will die.  If you don’t send troops, then Afghanistan is gone, lost again in the shadow of past mistakes.  Afghan people will suffer and the enemy, who ever the hell they are, will become emboldened.  No matter what, there will be more graves.

No matter what.  There will be more graves. And they will be your fault.

There is no denying it.  No matter what.  The good or the bad.  Success or failure.  No matter what you decide, it will be all your fault.  Think about it.