How the Apple Tablet will Screw over Poor People

For the mildly rich and super-elitist only.

So, apparently, the amazing and most important company that was ever created by human beings is releasing the often rumored and much desired Apple Tablet!  It is the Apple Tablet!  It is made by Apple and, uh, it is a Tablet! I mean, think of it like the iPhone, but, you know, bigger and more 3Ging and, I don’t know, it floats and it will diagnose and cure strange STDs, I guess.  I mean, what do you want from me?

I don’t care about the Apple Tablet, or the Nook, or the Kindle.  Why, you ask?  Why don’t I, Jarvis Slacks, the guy who buys USB drives based on looks rather than function, the guy who bought $100 dollar earbuds because they “Felt better”, the guy who will walk two miles just to buy Mass Effect 2, why don’t I care about the cool and futuristic  ability to read my favorite novels, magazines and newspapers on a tablet like device just like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation?  Why don’t I care about the future?

Because this part of the future is stupid.  And we are hurting the majority of the world, not helping them.  And I’ll explain exactly why that is after this short commercial break.

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No. It isn’t OK to call us, “Negros”. Thanks for asking…

Ok, this isn't fun anymore.

I want to explain this whole “Negro” thing.

I am from the South, a place where the Racism conversation has gone on for longer than the Earth has been formed.  The good thing about living in the South is that the Race conversation is done.  We’ve talked it out and we’ve concluded that some people are racists, some are not.  Yes, Black people can be racist.  Yes, there are certain words that have a racist undertone.  “Nigger” is a perfect example.  “Colored People” is a good one as well.  And, yep, “Negro” fits into that category.  White people have some words as well.  “Red-neck”.  “White-trash”.  “Dirty-White-People” is one that was created in the 1990s, but didn’t last long.  The point is that words matter.  They do.  Words always matter.

This all stems from something that Harry Reid, the Majority Leader of the Democrats in the Senate, MAYBE said in a book, Game Change.  He supposedly said that then Senator Obama had a good chance of becoming President because the brother was “Light-skinned” and that he spoke “with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one”.  I use the words “Maybe” and “Supposedly” because the book sources no one in it, which is sad because I fail papers from Freshmen college kids for not having sources, but these douche-sacks get off Scott-free?  But that is a whole other thing.  Harry Reid has apologized, which means he said it, which means there is a problem. But, it is increasingly hard for me to articulate that problem.  Think of it this way. We are in the City pound, looking for dogs.  There are two dogs in front of us.  You point at one and the clerk says, that’s a pure breed Pitbull.  You point at the other one and the clerk says, oh, that’s a Mutt.  There.  Done.  One dog is pure-breed, and the breed deserves a respectable title.  The other dog is a Mutt and deserves absolutely nothing.  In fact, it being a Mutt means that it has had some misfortune.  Somebody let that dog exist!  So sad.  Who is that?  Oh, that is an African American Male.  Hell, that is a Black Male.  That’s fine.  But Negro?  Really?

Black people, collectively, would like for people not to call us Negroes.  This is not 1953.  We’ve decided that.  If we change our minds, we will send out emails.  We promise.

The Best and Worst of the Best and Worst of 2009: Twitter

When the image that represents your failures gets promoted on a T-shirt, then maybe you are doing something right...

Twitter is stupid.  So are DVDs, Macbooks, videogames and text-messaging.  All good things are stupid, at first.  Then they become part of our lives like cotton socks and toothpicks. That is why Twitter is so useful.  It is a very raw tool that we have taken over and changed to do what we need it to do.  That is why is has the legs it does and that is why it is so amazing.  And that is why is makes pretty much no money.  Or does it?  Reuters has a story that might have us think a little differently about our favorite free-to-use waste of time.  And we might get a little worried, too.

The companies have kept mum about the financial terms of the deals, which will allow Tweets to appear in Google and Microsoft’s search results. But people familiar with the situation have told Reuters that money did change hands as a result of the deals and the blog AllThingsDigital previously reported that the search deals could be worth several million dollars apiece. It turns out the search deals were worth $25 million, according to a report in Business Week on Monday. Google coughed up $15 million and Microsoft paid $10 million, the report said, citing two anonymous sources. The deals will allow Twitter to finish 2009 as a profitable company, and comes amid ongoing efforts at the company to cut costs.

Why should we worry about Microsoft and Google dipping into our Twitter cookie jaw?   Google Wave and Windows Vista, that’s why.  Do we even have a reason to even think about Google Wave?  WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO WITH IT? And I wouldn’t give a PC to a homeless tech-worker trying to build spreadsheets for adjunct math profs to get back on their feet.  Twitter works because it has almost ZERO money making ability.  Any add that pops up on a tweet is instantly ignored and any douche that tries to sell me something on twitter is uber-ignored.  That is the sad fate of our capitalistic world.  Give a baby a brand new Xbox and he drools on it.  Give the same kid a box full of styrofoam and you’ve got yourself an instant kid party!  Same thing applies here.  I’m not sure what is keeping Twitter alive, but the moment the money becomes the reason for the season, and the whole point of the contraption will become mute to the reality that I’m not paying any money to tell people what I had for dinner.  Sorry.  But truth.

The Three Competing Thoughts Concerning Sarah Palin


And on bright, sunny days in Alaska, she takes time to think about the real implications of Climate Change. If it is true, then, the bears, the bears, the bears. Where will they be? So she can shoot them? This depresses her. Not being able to shoot bears and use them as decorations depresses her in ways she never dreamed possible.

I want to clear something up.  I don’t hate Sarah Palin. I don’t hate anyone.  There are, however, people that I don’t particularly enjoy being around.  There are people that, if they call me, I ignore and there are people that exist in the public arena known as “politics” that I believe are just plain and simply a waste of biological material. Hang on.  Let me try and tie this into a lesson plan that I’m giving my students.  I am having them work on Classification essays and, you know what, let’s classify this whole situation.  There are three different types of people when it comes to Sarah Palin.  That’s right.  I’m classifying.  What do you do with your free time?  Play video games?  Yeah, I do that too.  The three types are as followed.


I Think She’s Great! These people actually like her, thinks she is good for the political party she represents and feels that, if she were elected President, it wouldn’t be all that bad.  I mean, if a black guy can do it, surely she can.  Oops?  Was that racist?  It just slips out.  The people who think this read four books every decade.  And the new Sarah Palin book? It will be one of those four books.

I Think She’s Stupid! These people actually don’t like her, thinks she is bad for the political party she represents and feels that, if she were elected President, it would crack the fabric of space/time causing all the evils of the past and the not-yet future to converge upon us and consume our flesh like starved maggot-hornet hybrids.  And that is their thinking of the situation if asked to be optimistic.  These people also only read four books every decade.  But, they read tons of newspapers, blogs and literary magazines to make up the difference.  And, yes, Sarah Palin’s new book will be one of those four books.

Who’s Sarah Palin? The people who think that ask, Who’s Sarah Palin, rhetorically.  They know who Sarah Palin is.  They just don’t particularly care who she is.  When they see her on magazines, they stop and look.  Cause, you know, she’s hot.  But when she says whole sentences, when she tries to explain anything, when she attempts to make a connection, it bounces off like marshmallows bounce off a chest if those marshmallows are thrown by Sarah Palin’s young children.  She’s not dangerous.  She’s just loud.  She’s not good for a political party.  She’s just annoying.  She’s not a viable candidate for President.  She’s a viable candidate for some sort of happy-juice detox program.  She’s this yippy, opinionated monster who thinks that talking about guns, oil and eating meat is the basis for a conversation.  These people read way too many books in college, read about a book every few months now, watch television to zone out, drink a beer when the time permits and happily fall asleep at night with the understanding that Sarah Palin and all people like Sarah Palin are welcome distractions for a large chuck of Americans who are either unemployed, underpaid or two bad days at work away from putting a bullet into their brain matter.

I fit into the third category.  Sarah Palin concerns me as much as That silly show Glee, Amazon Headshrinkers and water under the Luna Surface.  Yep.  She doesn’t concern me that much at all.