How To Make People Mad on Facebook

I’m weird.

This isn’t a statement to, somehow, generate your sympathy. This is a true statement.  I am a very strange person. I tend to do things that most other people would not do. I do these things because I’m weird. I am not normal.  Case in point.  Some friends came down for a visit last week. We got coffee. Per usual, I upended the sugar jar and held it over my coffee for ten seconds. There was an amazing amount of sugar in my coffee because that’s how I take my coffee. A friend objected, citing my recent attempts at losing my gut-moon (That’s what I call my belly).  I gave her this factoid.

“Sugar doesn’t have calories.”

This isn’t true.  In my heart, I know that is a false statement.  I know it is. But I’m weird. I say stupid things. I say things that are not only wrong, but that cause an argument.  I say things just to get a reaction out of people because that’s fun. It’s makes my day better. My friends, my best friends, know this and enjoy it. Hell, the encourage it.  Spend a large amount of time with me and you’ll witness an infliction in my voice. I sound cocky and a bit bold when I’m being inflammatory.  I sound stern and honest when I’m being serious. It takes about a decade to decode my language. Once you do, conversations with me are like butter on toasted bread.

Let’s all understand that Facebook doesn’t allow infliction.

Also understand that I don’t take Facebook very seriously.

I should take it seriously, because everyone else does. But, I mean, pfft!  I don’t really have time to take it seriously. Taking it seriously would mean that I would have to be careful of what I post on there. And, I mean, ugh!  I don’t feel like it.  Facebook, to me, is like driving a rental car which is fully covered by all the insurances.  After you pay all that money, and have the promise that you have nothing to worry about, you can just hit the gas then pull the emergency brake up and spin out! Who cares!

Actually, Facebook is nothing like that.  But whatever.

This Laissez-faire attitude gets me into trouble on Facebook.  Well, actually, it just makes people mad. I don’t get in trouble. I’m 35. You can’t get in trouble anymore at my age. You just get fired or your girl dumps you. With a lack of regard to the feelings of others, I’ve sort of made inflammatory commenting an art. I’ve gotten so good at it that others have asked, “How do you do that?”  Let me tell you.

Step 1: Understand that you will make people mad. This is the hardest part, but the most important. You have to steel yourself for the blow back, and be prepared.

Step 2: Don’t care.  This is also difficult.  I suggest thinking of it like a video game.  The people you are shooting in Call of Duty  aren’t REAL people.

Step 3: Focus on the Ladies.  This is vital. Men really don’t care what you post. Also, most men are sort of dumb, so, even if you write the wittiest joke ever tossed to the masses, most men won’t get it.

Step 4: Make it simple.  Long, over-organized posts don’t get read.  Keep it as short as possible.

Step 5: Walk away.  After you post, don’t check Facebook for at least five hours. Also, don’t comment on your posts. For some reason, that makes people even madder.

The best example I can give is my most recent Facebook update, where I proclaimed that “Menstruation is Gross.”  Did it make people mad? Yes. Oh, yes. The comments I received were on par with another post were I said that V.A.C. was also gross (Google it). Did I care? No. Why did I post it? Because I’m weird.  Do I think menstruation is gross? I honestly never thought about it. Why are you like this?  I’m not sure. Sometimes I sit in my room, listening to records, thinking, could I be weirder? But then I eat cereal for dinner and paint my toe nails. It’s pretty neat to have painted toe nails as a guy because you’re wearing shoes all day long and no one will ever see.  Do I really paint my toe nails?  Do I?  Hmm?  What was the question?