I’m about to fill your brain with so much geeky movie stuff that your brain might, MIGHT, explode. This year, there will be more geeky movies coming out than there will be protesters in Egypt! What? I mean, they are winning! I can joke about it! Oh, what do you know. Let’s get started!
Cowboys and Aliens is first and, man, give me some of this! Daniel Craig! Harrison Ford! Olivia Wilde! Olivia Wilde! Olivia Wilde! Did you know she’s single now? She so is. Basically, this flick is about aliens around the cowboy times, which is perfect stuff, actually. I can’t think of a better movie, to be honest. I’ll be there day one with a tub of popcorn. Olivia Wilde!
Battle: LA is next. Aliens invade Los Angeles. Why? I don’t know. Who cares about Los Angeles? Is that even a real town? Whatever. This movie “feels” cool, but I’m not sold yet. Is Olivia Wilde in this one? No? Well, then I might see it. No promises.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon! Look at this trailer! Well, ok, there’s not much to look at. There is Optimus Prime flying down on some rocket, wrecking shit. But, I mean, yeah, the Transformer movies are bankrupt. Let’s just get this third movie out the way and then let Michael Bay make Armageddon 2: The Revenge of Death Astroid! God, I can not wait for that movie.
Finally, we have Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I’ll watch Johnny Depp put a trash can over his head and dance in circles. His Jack Sparrow character is brillant, and I’m very, very curious to see what they do with this. The other movies were good, but I was more into the Will Turner character. Still, Penelope Cruz being all Penelope Cruz will be nice. And Olivia Wilde is in it too, so…what? She’s not in it? Give me a break! Come on!
Ugh. Captain America. Don’t get me wrong, I like Captain America. I think he’s great. But I’m not sure this will translate well onto the big screen. And I’m not sure if people care about this Marvel Movie Monster they are building. It’s sort of like something you’ve always wanted, like when you want all the candy you can eat. But then, when you get it, you’re like, ugh, my stomach hurts. I’m afraid we’ll have a tommy-ache with all of this.
The same applies with Thor, except I’m pretty sure no one even cares about this movie. Except Olivia Wilde being in it, which is always a wise casting decision. Huh? That’s not Olivia Wilde? Natalie Portman? Does she turn into a freaky swan and stab herself with glass? No? Geez, what kind of movie is this?
Finally, X-men: First Class. It’s how it all starts, with Professor X and Magneto and Beast and all the cool stuff you’ve never wanted or cared about, but, you know, you might as well get the movie you’ve always/never wanted. I feel like these movies are less about making good movies and more about making those fat stacks. Making that Lord of the Rings Cheddar! Whatever, I’ll watch most of them. Why? Because I’m a geek. That’s what we do.