News Rodeo: Chubs Edition

Oh, yeah!  I haven’t done one of these joints in a hot minute! News Rodeo time, homeboys and home girls!  First up, The Gulf Oil spill? Totally someone’s fault.  Raise your hands in the air!  Now wave them like you have toxic poisoning!

In the first official finding of responsibility for the blowout, which killed 11 workers and led to the largest offshore oil spill in American history, the commission staff determined that Halliburton had conducted three laboratory tests that indicated that the cement mixture did not meet industry standards. The result of at least one of those tests was given on March 8 to BP, which failed to act upon it, the panel’s lead investigator, Fred H. Bartlit Jr., said in a letter delivered to the commissioners on Thursday. Another Halliburton cement test, carried out about a week before the blowout of the well on April 20, also found the mixture to be unstable, yet those findings were never sent to BP, Mr. Bartlit found.

Yeah, so expect some serious legal action to go down.  And when I say “Legal Action” I mean that somebody is going to have to pay a fine.  That’s is how America works.  Rich people pay fines when they do stuff wrong. Poor people go to jail.  Get with the 411 before I have to call 911 in the LBC, baby.  So much drama as I sip my gin and juice.  Next up, A fat guy sues McDonald’s because McDonald’s made him fat.  Not P.H.A.T.  F.A.T.

A Brazilian court has ordered McDonald’s to pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds while working there a dozen years. The 32-year-old man said he was forced to sample food products each day to ensure that quality standards remained high because McDonald’s hired “mystery clients” to randomly visit restaurants and report on the food, service and cleanliness. The man also said McDonald’s offered free lunches to employees, adding to his caloric intake while on the job. His identity was not released.

I know his identity.  Just call him Mr. Chubs.  They call him MISTER CHUBS! They have McDonald’s in Brazil?  Really?  I mean, how much did the dude eat?  And who in their right mind eats that crap every day?  McDonald’s is like dating a person you work with: Only on special occasions when you have nothing else to do and you’re a little broke.  Next up, so you’re having my baby.  Oh, yeah! It’s like a Dream! Now I’m holding your close and keeping you warm!  This is ecstasy!

Mariah Carey is going to have to add lullabies to her repertoire. The superstar singer confirmed on NBC’s “Today” show Thursday that she and husband Nick Cannon are expecting their first child. Carey says the baby is due in the spring. Carey had declined to discuss her pregnancy, the subject of rampant speculation for months, until now. “Yes, we are pregnant, it’s true,” she said in an interview with “Access Hollywood’s” Billy Bush that was shown on “Today.”

Huh.  Really?  Here is a picture of her from 2005.

So, she’s been pregnant for Five years.  That is going to be a really big baby.  Yeah, I know it’s mean.  Yep.  I don’t care. Thank you for playing.