Where you Should, And Shouldn’t, Hit on People

Statistic reports and Budget meetings get Debbie all hot. Which is weird, right?

Meeting new people to date is hard.  That is mostly the reason why couples stay together so long, even when they sort of hate the person they are with.  Yeah, he might not clean anything and, yeah, he might sort of have serious BO.  But it is either that or the dating scene.  It is just really scary out there.  One minute you think you have it completely figured out and the next you are in IHOP at two in the morning trying to figure out if you should make the moves on the waitress.  Where is it OK to hit on people?  Where is it not OK?  I’ve decided, at a service to you, my lovely blog readers, to sort of sum it all up in a nice, tidy little package for you.  The following are the places you can and can-not hit on people.  The word here is CREEPY.  You don’t want to look creepy, do you?  Can girls be creepy?  I remember one time I was at the Laundromat and an older lady came up and offered to fold my clothes for me.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Women can be creepy.

Good! Your Class.

This is a great place to meet someone to sleep with.  You are in a classroom, so there is a goal, there is a focus.  You are both there for the same thing, so you most likely are interested in the same things.  Oh, you like to read books?  Me too!  Really?  I never met someone so great at math!  You also get a sense of what type of person they are.  You can tell if they are introverted or not, lazy, stupid, etc.  Plus, you have a reason to talk to them.  You are in the same class!  Now that I think about it, college was pretty much designed to find lovers.  Screw the whole education part of it. The only down side is that, if you break up or get in a fight, you have to see them every day.  But, considering that classes only last a few semesters, that isn’t much to suffer through.

Bad! Work

Huh?  Yeah, classes and work might seem like they are similar, but they are completely two different completely different things.  Classes are generally fun or mundane.  Work is usually hard and mundane.  Or boring or aggravating or just plain annoying.  Meeting someone and dating someone you work with is just stupid.  If you think you fight a lot in general in a relationship, imagine dating the person that gave you the proposal to the project you didn’t want?  Or how about going home and talking about work to the person you work with?  Ugh times thirty.  The work place is not a good dating pool, especially if your job sucks.

Good! Roommates.

You already live with them, so you might as well just go ahead and share a bed.  And when it all falls apart, one of you just moves out and you split the stuff.  Plus you could probably get them to pay your rent once in a while.

Sexy, Sexy.

Bad! The Bus.

First, you don’t have enough time on a City bus.  Most of those bus rides are between ten and twenty minutes.  It will take you that long just to figure out what to say.  Second, the bus is extremely uncomfortable.  It is hot, noisy, that lady over there is talking on her phone in Spanish and her baby is crying. Have you ever seen anyone smiling on bus? Yeah, me neither.  I’m not sure why the bus holds that negative energy.  It might be the hybrid technology.

Good: The Train and Planes and the Subway.

Huh?  It makes sense, I promise.  The train is more expensive to take, so you have a higher class of people on it, generally.  The same goes for Planes.  Plus, train and plane trips take longer, so you have more time to get your pimp status ready and get your mack-daddy on.  Add to that the romance of plane and train travel.  I think the rocking of the rails and the rhythmic roar of the jet engines get the love-organs in the mood to do what they do.  Yes, there is the problem of the person wearing Ear-buds and listening to music or watching a movie.  You can side-step that situation by interrupting them and simply asking them what time such-and-such plane lands or by asking them if the U-Street stop is on the Red-Line.  Everyone knows the U-Street stop ain’t on the Red-Line.  Your interest is obvious.

Bad: Coffee Shops

Most people are more concerned with getting a good wi-fi connection than finding a damn date.

This might seem like a place to go and get laid, but you have to think about the logistics.  Coffee shops have coffee in them, and coffee makes you wake up, work, and generally get shit down.  Coffee also makes you a little paranoid, a little anxious and coffee is a laxative, so after you drink a cup, you want to take a shit.  People also go to coffee shops to get work down.  So that little blonde in the corner reading the new Aimee Bender book?  She might want to get hit on.  More than likely she probably just wants to drink her coffee and read the new Aimee Bender book.  Yes, you might be able to do it, but I think it is better for all involved if you allow coffee shops to always remain neutral territory.  You don’t bother me, I don’t bother you.

Good: Bars

That is what they are for.  However, just because bars were designed so that you can meet a person doesn’t mean that it does this function very well.  In fact, it doesn’t.  It does this function horribly.  Meeting someone at a bar is akin to meeting a work-out partner at McDonalds.  You might want to work out together, but neither of you have any clue how to be healthy.  Yes, plenty of people have met and fell in love in bars.  Twice that many have met and had terrible experiences.  You can’t turn a Hoe into a Housewife.  You can’t turn a Zero into a Hero, either.  Booze is the lubricate of love.  Oil is a lubricate, too.  You see where that’s got us.

Bad: Facebook

Do I have to explain this one?  Facebook should be used to spy on your exes and keep up with what your friends and siblings are doing.  That’s it.  Facebook was not created so you could get a date.  That’s just creepy.  You’re like that dude on the corner leering at the Catholic schoolgirls walking home from their lessons.  Pervert.

Yes, this extremely limits where you can find your hook up partner.  I don’t see this as a bad thing.  Most relations happen because somebody introduces you to someone cool or by random chance.  Don’t force it. Just lay back in the cut and wait your turn.  Or you can do like I do and completely ignore the whole mess altogether.  I don’t have time to date.  I have way too many video games for all that.


6 thoughts on “Where you Should, And Shouldn’t, Hit on People

  1. You forgot funerals, Jay. Sure the overall tone of overwhelming solemnity and acknowledgment of the fleeting nature of life may seem conducive to pounding out a quicky in the cloak closet, but that shit just shows bad form.

  2. How about Bad: Anywhere where your conversation is going to be an inconvenience to others? That puts library reading rooms, cinemas, fast-moving checkout queues and such right out.

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