News Rodeo! Exploding Underwire! Kids Turn In Their Dad to the Cops! Planet-Starbucks, Coming Soon!

"No one is going to blow up his penis on an airplane! Not on my watch!"

The first News Rodeo of the New Year! And, uh, some guy tried to blow his penis off.  I don’t have all the details, but some guy from Europe flew into Detroit, realized how horrible a city it is, shaked up a can of Pepsi and tried to explode his penis.  In other news…Wait..Huh?  He’s a terrorist?  From Yemen?  Where the hell is Yemen?  What?  He had a bomb?  And he tried to blow up the airplane?  Where was the bomb?  In his pants!  Are you serious?  What kind of guy says yes to that?  Here is how the converastion most of went down.

Terrorist Boss:  We want you to blow up a plane.

Terrorist Kid:  Cool.  No problem.

Terrorist Boss: And we want you to blow up your penis to do it.

Terrorist Kid: Uh…

Don’t worry, everyone.  My man in Washington is all over the case.  From CNN:

Obama said he was establishing accountability reviews for agencies. His national security adviser, John Brennan, will report to him every 30 days on the reviews, he said. There is “no silver bullet” to securing all flights coming into America every day, Obama warned. He spoke of his “solemn responsibility” to keep the nation secure. “Ultimately, the buck stops with me.” But Obama is not planning to fire anyone for the foul-up, a senior administration official said.

What?  No one is going to get fired?  Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I saw anyone get fired.  At any job I’ve ever had.  No one gets fired anymore.  It costs too much to train them up.  Eh.  Terrorists and stuff is boring.  Moving on, we’ve found some plants. A whole bunch of planets!

Nasa’s Kepler Space Telescope has detected its first five exoplanets, or planets beyond our Solar System. The observatory, which was launched last year to find other Earths, made the discoveries in its first few weeks of science operations. Although the new worlds are all bigger than our Neptune, the US space agency says the haul shows the telescope is working well and is very sensitive. The exoplanets have been given the names Kepler 4b, 5b, 6b, 7b and 8b.

"The guy with the shotgun? Yeah, that's my dad. You want a full description? How about where he is right now?"

But those names?  They are only temporary.  After we fly over there in rocket-ships, do a little terra-forming, and make those planets habitable, those new planets we just found are gonna be called Planet-Starbucks, Planet-Walmart, Planet-Iphone and Planet-Big Ol’ Trashcan.  I mean, where else are we going to put our garbage?  And, finally, what has America come to?  When your own kids turn you into the cops?

A Colorado man accused in a weekend break-in was nabbed when police say he ran into some unexpected guests – his own kids. Police say 33-year-old Raul Gaucin-Valenzuela accompanied a friend Saturday to break into the home of a friend’s ex-wife and beat up her new boyfriend. But the plan was foiled when the men ran into Gaucin-Valenzuela’s children, ages 8 and 11.

What kind of place has this country turned into?  I mean, your own kids!  Your own kids!  Really?  What’s next?  No more letting your kids sit in the front seat?  No more tossing out the trash from the car window?  No more smoking in bars?  God, this place is starting to suck. Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!