We need Tiger Woods Now More Than Ever

Nah, this isn't from golfing. You know why he won that trophy...

So the question is:  If he doesn’t matter, why are you writing about him, Jarvis Slacks?  Because nothing but eating and sleeping really matters.  All this other stuff, from your job to your television to your iPhone, are just great distractions until you get so old that a light bulb is as entertaining to you as it was when you were a new born.  Did I just reveal the entire life arc for you?  Sorry about that.  Anyway.  Tiger Woods.

The other night, I made a bet with a friend.  I said that Tiger Woods wouldn’t go past 17 mistresses.  She said that he would go to twenty or higher.  But we had different reasons for making the bet.  Her idea was that Tiger Woods is a disgusting individual that deserves to have certain organs removed from his body.  My idea was that the only thing he did wrong was cheating on his wife and that, if he was single, he would be praised by the male community and, quietly, yes, we are praising him.  That is the society that we live in.

We point and say, hey, you are wrong!  But in secret, we think, oh man, Tiger Woods has in made!  That is the inconsistency of our society.  We believe one thing and do something different and we reward, with book deals, ads, interviews, movies and write ups, those who become common conceptions in our world.  The more you think of someone, the more a person’s life is interesting, the more we are bombarded with crap about them.  I’m calling it the Uber-Reality Fixation Movement.  Normal life is boring.  Give me the golf star that has sex with dozens of women and ruins his marriage.  I want that!  We won’t be happy until we are all famous.  That can’t happen, so we’ll harass the famous instead.  Did I rant?  Sorry about that, too.

My point, and there is a point somewhere in here I promise, is that Tiger Woods and his love life does not matter.  Getting a Health Care Reform Bill matters.  Afghanistan and Iraq matters.  Job bills matter.  But things that matter are hard for us to deal with.  So, hey, Tigar, are you there?  Can you hear me?  You’ll just have to take this one for the team.  You gotta just take these hits.  We need you, Tigar.  We need you to distract us.  Can you start having sex with men, too?  And can you get caught?  Or maybe video tape it for us?  We need you, Tigar.  Don’t let us down.

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