News Rodeo: Sarah Palin is stupid, Dick Cheney is Evil, Swine Flu attacking the Armed Forces, and Children Masturbating.

Instead of Sarah Palin's face, which makes people sick, we will show the Predator, which is easier on the eyes...

And after one of the best weekends of my life, I’m back and hate my life.  Huh?  If you missed all my NYC adventuring, you’re lucky.  On to the news! Did you hear about Sarah Palin?  She’s this chick who almost became Vice-President of the United States.  That’s not a joke.  She really did almost become Vice-President of the United States.  If that doesn’t make you go to the bathroom, nothing will.  Anyway, everyone loved her at first.  Looks like we are just sick of seeing her stupid face.  From the CNN Political Ticker:

Only 33 percent of Republicans questioned in a CBS News survey released Monday night say that Palin would have the ability to serve effectively as president. Last fall, 71 percent of registered Republicans felt that way.

That’s right.  Those 33 percent of Repubs polled were smoking crack at the time.  And it wasn’t regular crack.  It was crack made out of baking soda, butter and spit from a rabid dog.  I mean, really.  Who thinks this woman can run a country?  She couldn’t run water.  She couldn’t run a hotdog stand.  She couldn’t run up debt.  She couldn’t run her nose. What me to go on?  She couldn’t get the runs.  Next, remember the Swine Flu?  Nah, I don’t either.  But it looks like it is still getting people sick.  From CNN:

Sixty-seven cadets at the Air Force Academy have confirmed cases of H1N1 influenza — the so-called swine flu — and another 30 are showing symptoms of the highly contagious virus, the academy said Tuesday. None of the cadets has required hospitalization. All 97 are incoming freshmen, known as “Doolies” in academy slang. They are in isolation while the rest of the class of about 1,300 is in outdoor training in the mountains around the Colorado Springs academy.

The Face of Real Evil.

The Face of Real Evil.

You know who made Swine Flu?  Dick Cheney. Seriously.  He punched a pig in the face after a pig sneezed on him and BAM! Swine flu.  All right, not really.  Dick Cheney did break the law, though.  Several laws.  Tons and tons of laws, like trying to hide an Assassination Program planned out by the C.I.A. From New York Times:

Mr. Panetta scuttled the program, which would have relied on paramilitary teams, shortly after the C.I.A.’s counterterrorism center recently informed him of its existence. The next day, June 24, he told Congressional Intelligence Committees that the plan had been hidden from lawmakers, initially at the instruction of former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Yep, you can’t do that.  Will he go to jail?  Of course not.  This guy could jump up and smack the Moon with his forehead, smack the Moon down and replace it with his big, ugly forehead, and we won’t do anything.  We are Americans!  We are really lazy and apathatic.  You know who isn’t lazy?  You know who is willing to work

Yep, these kids are about to go have sex.

Yep, these kids are about to go have sex.

super-hard for Orgasms?  The British!  Two orgasms a day for everyone!

A National Health Service leaflet is advising school pupils that they have a “right” to an enjoyable sex life and that regular intercourse can be good for their cardiovascular health. The advice appears in guidance circulated to parents, teachers and youth workers, and is intended to update sex education by telling pupils about the benefits of sexual pleasure. For too long, say its authors, experts have concentrated on the need for “safe sex” and loving relationships while ignoring the main reason that many people have sex, that is, for enjoyment. Alongside the slogan “an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away”, it says: “Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?”

That’s right, kids!  You guys go and have some sex!  Either by yourself or with a close friend. It will help your back problems, give you some weird STD, and probably make a baby or two.  I mean, for real, do you have anything else to do?  Have a good week, boys and girls.

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