Transformers-Revenge of the Fallen: Impressions

The only problem with Michael Bay’s masterpiece, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, is that it is too full of awesome.

That’s a vague assessment, but it is a true one.  I09 has a much more elaborate and Freudian take on the movie, but I don’t really feel like thinking that hard.  The new Transformers is a good movie because it is completely and utterly an original monster.  You have never seen a movie like this before.  Ever.  There are robots the size of houses fighting each other.  And they aren’t just fighting each other.  They are beating each other to a point where I want to say that the violence is too much.  It is clear when you see the combat.  Autobots and Decepticons hate each other more than any two foes have ever hated.  They kick and claw and shoot with passion and lust in their eyes.  It is unreal to see and I almost peed myself.  I almost peed myself twice.  But, I don’t want to go insane too fast, and the action isn’t the only thing that makes it a good flick. With this movie, Michael Bay has solidified himself as being the only director that could ever do justice to Transformers.  There has to be a reward somewhere for that.  Spoiler ahead.  Lots and lots of spoilers ahead.

Yeah, we get it.  Youre pretty it.  We get it.

Yeah, we get it. You're pretty it. We get it.

All right.  The last movie showed us who the Transformers are, why the Autobots and Decepticons hate each other, and made Earth a refuge for Autobots. Megatron was at the bottom of the ocean and our human hero, Sam, even got the girl, Hotty Megan Fox.  Revenge of the Fallen opens up with the Army and the Autobots hunting the remaining Decepticons, trying to figure out what the bad guys are looking for.  What they are looking for is a new source of their energy, Energon.  Without it, the Transformers age. The Decepticons revive Megatron and we see the main bad guy, the Fallen.  He started the Decepticons, and he wants to blow up the sun.  The only guy who can beat the Fallen is a “Prime,” which sets the Decepticons out to murder Optimus Prime and find the information that Sam is hiding in his head.

That’s it.  That’s the plot.  And I think I explained it way better than the movie did.  You don’t want to go see this movie for the story.  The story came second.  Rise of the Fallen was created by three guys, sitting in a room, describing what they wanted to see.  They wanted to see Cybertron.  They wanted to have Soundwave and all of Soundwave’s minions in it.  They wanted to relive all of our childhood horrors by letting us see Optimus Prime get murdered by Megatron.  And they wanted so many Transformers in it that no human mind could keep them all straight.  The final battle was so insane that some kids actually exploded. Not really, but close.  Oh. And robots go to heaven.  I’m serious.  There is a robot heaven in the film.  This movie is never about a story.  This movie wanted to toss Opitmus Prime out of a plane, have him transform, pop a parachute and land in his truck form and drive off.  And I want to kiss them for it.  No one in his or her right mind would ever make this movie.  But Michael Bay did.  He did because he knew he could, and he also knows who is going to watch this: People who watched all the cartoons, watched the original cartoon movie, and are addicted to explosions and emoting robots.  Anyone wanting a story, character development or revelations about human nature, I strongly suggest you go watch something else. Go watch the Proposal.

Besides the sheer amount of amazing that is jam-packed in this thing or the lack of a plausible story, the movie does have some real problems.  It is too long.  Too, too, too long.  There is no reason why this movie couldn’t have been just two hours.  A half hour of the flick is wasted by stereotypical robots and sex jokes.  So many sex jokes.  Why did I have to see a guy’s ass in my face?  Did we have to have the RC car hump Megan Fox?  What’s up with the Sexticon?  Was she needed?  For anything? Too much sex and too many ball jokes.  Seriously.  Devastator should not have testicles.

But the silliness aside, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, does an amazing job staying true to the Transformer cartoons.  Starscream is still a little, whiny turd.  Jetfire was a Decepticon in the cartoon that turned to an Autobot.  Space-bridges were in the cartoons, as well as all of Soundwave’s little monster buddies.  Every few minutes, there was a piece of my childhood on the screen this afternoon.  I was a little kid, smiling and laughing and I almost cried when I saw Opitmus Prime die (Don’t freak.  He comes back).  Watching it was a good time.  Thank you, Michael Bay.  Thank you for having the courage to make a movie that is absurd, ridiculous and totally out of control.  I can’t wait for Transformers 3.