Today was Earth Day. But I don’t like calling it Earth Day. I like call it “Earf” Day. Why? Because I want to and I have a weird sense of humor. And sense I have a really weird sense of humor (Its not that weird. I just like saying that), I’ve decided to post a few weird pieces from some weird places of the internet. On this Earf Day, think about what you can do to make sure the world doesn’t burn down and go all “Mad Max” on us. I know what I’m gonna do! I’m gonna plant a tree…so I can chop it down and use it for firewood. Kidding!
First up, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, said that God won’t save us. So, there goes that.
“I think that to suggest that God might intervene to protect us from the corporate folly of our practices is as unchristian and unbiblical as to suggest that he protects us from the results of our individual folly or sin,” he said. “God’s faithfulness stands, assuring us that even in the most appalling disaster love will not let us go – but it will not be a safety net that guarantees a happy ending in this world.”
So, anyone who thinks that just praying will fix the whole in the Artic, you might want to keep praying. What’s that smell? Irony? If you think that’s crazy, you don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh. For some reason, he thinks that Earf Day is silly. Why? Probably because he’s really fat, and hooked on prescription drugs. But, that’s just a guess. He did celebrate someone today. The guy who…invented the plastic bag.
“He invented the first high-density plastic grocery bag, which can handle up to 40 pounds of stuff. That singular invention has benefited our daily life on earth in multitudinous ways,” he explained. But don’t forget the coal industry. Something he says needs recognition. “We salute a group that’s unmarked by history: the first coal miners in America — farmers, selling it by the bushel. Their efforts grew into an industry that fuels America’s energy needs. To the coal miners of America, past and present: Happy Earf [sic] Day.”
Wait, he says “Earf Day” instead of “Earth Day”? Damn it. Well, that just means he stole it from me, because I used it first…thirty years ago…before I was even born. You hear me, Rush Limbaugh? Watch your back, fatty! Lastly, some happy news about the environment.
In 1991, 2.2 billion pounds of pesticides were used in the U.S. – eight pounds for every man, woman and child. A 1991 NRDC study found that pesticide use can be reduced in nine major U.S. crops by 20 to 80 percent. Americans are exposed to 70,000 chemicals, some 90% of which have never been subjected to adequate testing to determine their impact on our health. In the early 1990’s, 116 million Americans drank water from systems that violated the Safe Drinking Water Act. As of 1994, 1.7 million American children, ages one to five, suffered from lead poisoning. Of the trash that we Americans throw away every day, 30% by weight is packaging alone. In 1993, we threw away 14 billion pounds of plastic packaging.
Uh. Well, nevermind. Let’s just try and keep everything together for just a few more years, and then it won’t even matter. Hurry up, 2012! Happy Earf Day, everyone! (Oh, really scary End of the Earf trailer after the break)
(Told you it was scary. Why did you look? Weirdo.)