The VGA’s are stupid. Here is proof.

Man, Im glad I paid $60 so I can drive everyone.  So Awesome...

Man, I'm glad I paid $60 so I can drive everyone. So Awesome...

All right.  If you listen to our podcast, which I know at least fifteen of you do, then you know that I haven’t ever played Grand Theft Auto 4.  I haven’t played it, nor do I want to.  Our man, Kenneth, thinks it is a horrible universal mistake that I’ve never played the game and yet I still dump on it.  I dump all over it!  Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I had the revelation.  Eat this metaphor up. If I saw a room full of people eating a sandwich and they were like, hey, eat this sandwich.  Everyone says it is good and we are really enjoying it.  If I take the sandwich and sniff it, and it SMELLS HORRIBLE, why the fuck would I eat it?  Yes, everyone might be enjoying eating the sandwich, but it smells wrong to me.  Therefore, I can not only NOT eat the sandwich, but I can also speak out about how bad the sandwich smells, and I can question why everyone thinks the sandwich tastes good.  GTA4 looks boring and uninteresting.  That is the smell.  Hence, my unstoppable confusion at the VGA top winner.  The full lists of all the awards after the break, along with a few comments made by me.  Because I’m a hater. Can’t stop, won’t stop. [Thanks, Joystiq]

  • Best Shooter: Gears of War 2 (Epic Games) Ok, I give it to this one.  This one works.
  • Best Xbox 360 Game: Gears of War 2 (Epic Games)Uh, yeah.  Aren’t all 360 games shooters?
  • Best Indie Game Voted by the Fans: World of Goo (2D Boy) What the hell is this?
  • Big Name in a Game: Kiefer Sutherland (Call of Duty: World at War) What kind of award is this?
  • Gamer God Inductee: Will Wright (Sim City, Spore) Huh? They are making shit up now.
  • Best RPG: Fallout 3 (Bethesda) Not according to Kenneth “My name is” Price.
  • Best Music Game: Rock Band 2 (Harmonix)Ugh.  Music games suck.
  • Best Soundtrack in a Game: Rock Band 2 (Harmonix)Ugh. See above.
  • Studio of the Year: Media Molecule (Little Big Planet) Find.  Little Big Planet is awesome.  Moving on.
  • Best PS3 Game: Little Big Planet (Media Molecule)Well, PS3 only has, like, two games.
  • Best Driving: Burnout Paradise (Criterion) NO! NO, NO, NO!
  • Best Game Based on a Movie or TV Show: Lego Indy (Traveller’s Tales) Stupid.
  • Best Fighting: Soul Calibur 4 (Project Soul) Yep.  Hands down, the best game to kick someone’s ass with.
  • Best Multiplayer: Left 4 Dead (Valve)Man, I want to play this.
  • Best PC: Left 4 Dead (Valve) PC games?  I thought they were myth?
  • Best Portable: Professor Layton (Level 5)If I wanted to do math, I’d…uh…do some math.
  • Best Wii: Boom Blox (EA Casual) Best Wii is an oxymoron.
  • Best Individual Sports: Shaun White Snowboarding (Ubi Montreal) Shaun White owes me money, by the way.
  • Best Female in a Game: Jenny McCarthy as Tanya in Red Alert 3 (EA Westwood)Best female?  Weird.
  • Best Performance by a Human Male: Michael Hollick as Niko Bellic (Grand Theft Auto IV)Lame.
  • Best Performance by a Human Female: Debbie Mae West as Meryl Silverburgh (Metal Gear Solid 4)2X lame
  • Best Graphics: Metal Gear Solid 4 (Kojima Productions) I’m sorry, I can’t hate too much on Metal Gear.
  • Best Original Score: Metal Gear Solid 4 (Kojima Productions)Metal Gear one.  So awesome.
  • Best Action-Adventure Game: Grand Theft Auto IV (Rockstar Games) Doing Errands is an adventure?
  • Best Game of the Year: Grand Theft Auto IV (Rockstar Games) Yeah, if you believe that bullshit, I have a bridge to sell you in Alaska.  Get it?  A Palin Joke?  Get it.  Oh, shut up.

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