There has been some amazing games this year. There has also been some really, really bad ones. Here are the Five top games that I couldn’t be bothered with. Huh? What’s that smell? Why, that’s pure HATE!
Metal Gear Solid V: Snake has a moustache? And an eye-patch? And a fucking skin-tight suit? Wait, that’s not an eye-patch? Then what the fuck is it? And what’s up with a monster with octopus-leg thingys? And there’s a move you can make that grabs a statues thingy? And you can do the worm? Huh? Metal Gears that are half-cows? How long are the cut scenes? What is the story about? Snake and Liquid Snake and who is the other guy? Super-solid snake? I don’t get it. Is this a video game or a form of torture?
Burnout Paradise: I want to be blunt here. I loved Burnout Revenge. I mean, me and that game had an unnatural relationship. I would come home and Revenge would be making food at the stove, nothing on but an apron and a smile. But then, one day, Revenge had a different hair-do. And, instead of making it easy to find a race, I had to drive around and pull triggers at a stop light? I didn’t know where I was going during the races. Everything was confusing. Where are the races? Will someone just tell me where the fucking races are? And, half way through the demo, I realized that this wasn’t the Burnout I remembered. No focus. No depth. It was like my middle-aged wife left me and I had to start all over with a teenage college drop-out with ADHD. Maybe the proper Burnout will return to me. Until then, I can just dream about what we used to have.
Rock Band: Yeah. This game can go ahead and hang itself. You need a rope? Here. Now get it over with. I have no clue why people think that rhythm games are fun. Huh? That’s fun? All right, that’s fun. You know what else is fun? Anal sex. That is fun for somebody, but not everyone. Somebody is getting the bad end of the situation. Hmm. That might not be the best example. You know what I mean, damnit. Rock Band is the worst form of forced-addiction. Want to play our game? Pay tons of cash. And then, next year, we’ll release the same damn game again. No thank you. If I wanted to be in a Rockband, I’d start one up, start doing heroin, and charge unbelievable amounts on hotel room service. Huh? Rock Band came out last year? So. Still stupid.
Super Mario Galaxy: Yeah, I’m going there. I’m not impressed by anything that Nintendo even thinks about anymore. Jumping around, grabbing stuff, hitting…something. Do people use more drugs than I do? Or am I just addicted to games that look good? Yeah, I said it. You want some? Don’t step up if you can’t keep up, bitch. I love Mario. Ok? I mean, me and Mario use to be boys. But, I was ten years old. I had to kick the SNES just so it could play. Just because Mario use to be cool doesn’t mean I have to shell out money every time I see his chubby face. Nintendo fans? Let it go. I’m serious. Just let it go. Are you really having fun? Collecting all those stars? And how many screaming plants have you killed? I’m just being real, here. How many screaming plants have you killed. Here. Try playing Bioshock. You’ll be ok. Trust me, you’ll be ok. Oh, and a special shout out to Super Smash Brothers. Fuck you, Super Smash Brothers. Fuck you!
Grand Theft Auto 4: Oh, man! I’ve been waiting for this! True story: I went to my friend Kenneth’s house to hang out with him. He was playing Grand Theft Auto 4. It just came out. I sat down and he spun it up. He started running around the city. He talked on his cellphone. And
then, it was like Christmas for him.
“Oh, man!” He yelled. “Look! You get to hop on a subway! Look at that!”
Wow. I mean. Wow. You. Get. To. Jump. On. A. Sub. Way. That has got me thinking…
Poor Working Jarvis 4! The hotest game ever! You get to walk to a bus stop! Eat sandwiches for dinner! Fix a broken chair with duct tape and forks! Stop answering your phone so you can dodge bill collectors! Sit on the toilet and wait for a shit! Fart in your pants and wait for the smell to raise! Best! Game! Ever!
I have nothing against GTA4. But, aren’t you guys tired of it yet? How long have you been looking for those pigeons? Do you see what they made you do? They made you look all over the city for fucking pigeons! Sigh. What ever. I’m going to bed.