Election 2000-Ugh: Why We Hate Republicans

We don’t hate them.  We don’t hate anyone.  We just prefer not being around them, if we can help it.  I mean, we have plenty of friends that are, you know, Republicans.   These people tend to make more money than we do.  Or, they grew up in a conservative household.  They were taught to fear God, to go hunting, to marry within the same race and to not only eat meat, but sort of parade the meat around the living room after they got it from the store.  Look, family!  Look!  It is red meat!  It has died for us!  Just like Jesus!

These people eventually went to college, and they had a slight homosexual experience.  Or they finally understood evolution because someone bothered to explain it to them.  They figured out that poor people tend to have a rough life and that just because you are pro-choice doesn’t mean you are pro-baby killing.  They have all these amazing moments, where the conservative thoughts don’t mix with the liberal-college realizations.  And we get a beer with these people and we think, hey, you know, you were a dick.  But you’re not anymore.  We were worried.

But then.

After a few more beers, the television pops up and there he is.  John McCain.  We know he’s not a bastard.  We know he’s doing the best he can, considering his situation.  The guy is a billion years old.  And he thinks he deserves to be President.  He thinks it is owed to him.  There those guys are.  Dozens of former Presidents.  One guy used to be a Hollywood star.  One of them invaded a country.  Another one did, too.  One even had a damn affair in office.  How come he gets to be President?  That’s the John McCain mental process.  He thinks he is supposed to rule the world, because men like him have been doing it for hundreds of years.  I don’t see anything broken, he thinks.  Why fix it? We know.  We need to fix it because it is broken.  And we nudge them, our reformed Republican friends.  You see him, we say.  He doesn’t understand.  Look at him, we say.  We know him.  We’ve known John McCain all our lives.  Men who judge us by our hair.  Men who judge us because we don’t judge others.  Men who dare define what is for whom.  You can’t get married, but you can.  You can’t get a loan, but you can.  Men who look at our tattoos and say, sorry, no jobs.  We’ve dealt with men like this all our lives.  We know John McCain.  We tell our friend.  I hate those bastards.  I hate them.  I do.  And our friend makes a face.


Well, they say.  They always say well first.  Well, I mean.  I sort of agree with what he’s talking about.

That’s why we hate them.  Fuck it.  We do.  We do hate them.  We do.  All of them.  Every Republican that says they are a Republican or doesn’t say they are a Republican but still think Republican thoughts.  We hate them because they pick and they choose.  They pick and they choose what they want to believe in.  And those beliefs that they believe for a few minutes are gone as soon as they see a man that resembles their father, trying to be President.  Again.  We hate them because we are tired of saying the same thing over and over.  We say, we need to protect the environment.  We say, we need to help those who can’t help themselves.  We say, we can’t take away the rights for anyone to do anything.  We say, we need to work together.  We say, life is hard.  We say, life doesn’t have to be so hard.  We say, we just need a little help.  And they say, over and over, fuck you.  Fuck you.  God helps those who help themselves.

Jesus was a socialist.

Over and over, we draw a line in the sand.  Over and over, we elect leaders that become drunk with power and forget about why we voted for them.  Over and over, we see a new bright star and pray that this one could be the one that finally makes America the America we want and need.  We need a country that loves the world and respects it.  We need a country that wants to see the stars kiss the Moon dust.  We need a country that thinks about our problems in every way possible.  We need a country that wants our children educated.  Not for the workforce.  Just because an education is nice to have.  We need a country that wants our people to age in peace and with dignity.  We need a country that is willing to pick up a phone and talk and doesn’t ever want to pick up a rifle.  We need a country that will to help those overseas, without asking why we should.  We need a country willing to pay for all of this, without complaining about it.  Without thinking about what we’ll get in return.  We dream about this when we close our eyes.


We bicker and fight.  We are reduced to their levels.  We cry at night on November fifth.  We say, four years from now.  Things will be different.  We are too tired to protest.  We always protest.  Look where it gets us.  We read the news and hold our heads. We talk about it over breakfast.   We have drinks and ask, when will things be different.  And we see this new guy and think, hope, he’ll do it.  Seriously.  How can he lose?  And they, well, they do have a point, they say.  Free Markets.  Work harder.  Get that house.  Get those cars.  Why should I help others, they say.  Go get it, they say.  You want it, go get it.  And we say, yes, we want it.  But when ever we reach for it, you guys have already taken it.  And they say, well, keep trying.

We do hate them.  We hate that we hate them.  We are actually pretty tired of hating them.  We look forward to the future, when we have no reason to hate anyone anymore.  Exactly when is that future supposed to happen?  Please, tell us.  We’d really like to know.