My fellow ‘Mercians.
I know that life is weird right now. You work all day and drink all night and then have to get up and work again the next day? What’s up with that? Remember when life use to be fair? Remember when you could take a girl home and do things and then sneak out the window and never see her again? Now, when you see her at the grocery store, you have to say hey, how are you? And then you have to go to the clinic because she says she’s got something. Those test are expensive! I’m here to tell you that, no, you don’t have to get tested if you don’t want to, that its just poison evy and it’ll be ok. No, you don’t have to pay your bills on time! And, no, you don’t have to pay full price for a movie-ticket! Use that expired student ID! That’s why I am running for President of North America and Certain Parts of Mexico.
I am the sort of President you need. I will end all pragnacy due to one night stands. I will reduce the price of beer and increase the legal blood/alcohol limit to 2.0. I will make it a standard that there will be one attractive person per every two ugly people. I will create a planet you can send your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend to when they keep calling your phone. I will allow the deletion of all text messages sent after 3am. And, most importantly, farts will smell like Ivory soap!