Yep, I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. One thing that me and some homies have said is that we felt like we were watching a movie with actors in it that knew that they were playing in a movie. There were some scenes where I felt like I was watching Indiana Jones beating the crap out of a guy. Other times, I felt like I was watching Harrison Ford, playing Indiana Jones. Maybe he’s been gone a few years. Maybe Spielberg forgot how to direct an Indiana movie. Whatever the reason, here is the list of Indy movies, from best to meh.
1. Temple of Doom.
2. Raiders of the Lost Ark.
3. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
4. Last Crusade.
After the break, I’m going to detail all my feelings about the movie, from beginning to end. WARNING! WARNING! THIS IS SPOILER RICH! MOVIE SPOLIERS AHEAD! If you don’t want the movie ruined, don’t read after the break. Cause I’ll be ruining the movie. Oh yes, I will.
Ok, I warned you. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is about aliens. I’m fucking serious. Apparently, aliens came to the world back in the Mayan days or whatever and taught them how to farm, live, build stuff, all that. Some dudes in the 1500s stole a crystal skull from its city and hid it away. If anyone returns it, they receive amazing power. The power? Knowledge and stuff. Indy gets caught up in this when the Russians and try to steal the alien-crash relics from Roswell, New Mexico. There is a really cool fight in the Area 51 warehouse and, yes, we get a glimpse of the Ark from the first movie, which is really cool. As Indy tries to get away, he has to survive a nuclear test by hiding in a lead-lined refrigerator. I’m serious. He puts himself into a refrigerator, the nuke goes off, he survives. I’m serious. There are tons of places in this movie where you sit there and say, bullshit. I’m not sure why these even exist. Is Spielberg such a badass that he has to have a character survive a nuclear explosion? And, really, there is no way you’d survive a nuclear explosion in a refrigerator. Seriously.
Any way, Marianne is back and it is really nice to see her. Yeah, Shea LaBouf’s character is Indiana’s son. This should bother you, cause it bothers the fuck out of me. But, it is George Lucas, and George Lucas has some really serious father issues. This might explain my problem with the whole movie. I’ve seen so many Spielberg and Lucas movies that I’m sort of over it. I’m sort of over how and why they make movies. I mean, how many movies can they make about aliens? Or daddy bullshit? And Russians are not the same as Nazis. They aren’t interchangeable, and it’s a bit annoying that they think that. Stalin killed millions of people, yes. But Stalin was dead when this movie was taking place. Like, if there were an Indiana Jones movie in the present day, Arabic Terrorist would be the bad guys, with an Arabic female with dark skin, swinging dual knives, preaching about infidels or something. Its like no one can figure out an original idea anymore, and it feels very tired.
I don’t hate the movie, though. I had a really good time watching it. The action was tight, and there were some really funny parts. Harrison Ford is absolutely wonderful in this and his age is never an issue. The chase scenes in the university and the jungle were classic Indian Jones. But there are no scenes better than any scenes in Raiders or Temple of Doom. I think everyone should just say, stop. Stop. We are done with Indiana Jones. I love the character, and I love the stories. But they are seriously dated, and I’m ready for something different. Fresh and more than just fan-service. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull isn’t a hack-attack. But it is dangerously close, and I don’t want Spielberg and Lucas to try this again.